US NAVY TO OVERHAUL SWASTIKA-SHAPED BARRACKS

The U.S, Navy announced this week that it will spend up to $600,000 to alter the appearance of a complex of swastika-shaped buildings at its Coronado base.

The buildings, which serve as barracks for the Seabees, were built in 1967. According to the Navy, the shape of the buildings was not discovered until after they were built.

Since the swastikas were only observable from the air, the Navy decided to leave them in place for the past fifty years.

In recent years, however, aerial images of the barracks have circulated the Internet courtesy of Google Earth. As a public controversy simmered, the Navy committed to wholesale changes to the barracks.

Navy deputy public affairs officer Scott Sutherland said, "We don’t want to be associated with something as symbolic and hateful as a swastika."

As late as spring 2006, Navy officials had downplayed the shape of the buildings, insisting, "The Navy intends to continue the use of the buildings as long as they remain adequate for the needs of the service."

Naturally, the terrible design of the long-standing barracks has led to the inevitable conspiracy theories. One theory posits that the barracks were built by German POW’s who managed to trick the Navy. Another theory suggests that the swastika shape was selected as a bulwark against Japanese Navy sorties.

LUCKY NUMBERS IN BURMA

Burma is one of the most Buddhist countries in the world, surpassed only by the hermit kingdom of Bhutan. Every adult male in Burma is required to spend several weeks or months in a monastery at least once in their lives. Burma experts estimate that the country contains between 400,000 to 800,000 Buddhist monks–compared with 400,000 soldiers.

Superstition and spirituality are heavily ingrained in Burmese culture. The top generals in Burma’s junta regularly consult astrologers for advice on how to retain power.

In early 2005, General Than Shwe, the leader of the junta, built a new capital in the middle of a jungle on the advice of a fortune teller, who had told the general that the only way to stay in power was to move the capital to the unpopulated area.

In the summer of the same year, Than Shwe asked his chief astrologer when the luckiest day would be to move into the empty new town, Napyidaw ("royal land"). The astrologer gazed into the stars and responded, "At 6:37 a.m. on November 6, 2005."

At the "auspiciously lucky" moment, a massive convoy of military trucks filled with furniture rolled into Napyidaw.

In 2003, five years after crushing pro-democracy demonstrations with deadly force, the junta permitted a white elephant that had been discovered in the jungle to be brought to Yangon. A fresh temple was erected so the white elephant, a symbol of luck, could be placed on public display. Popular belief held that the white elephant signified that the gods approved of the dictatorship.

While the military dictatorship that rules Burma appears to have very few scruples, it has consistently sought the blessings of Buddha, the gods and the 36 "Nats" (Burma’s own spirits).

In the 1970's, dictator Ne Win, who ruled Burma from 1962 to 1988, wreaked havoc with Burma’s currency in an effort to please the gods. Ne Win outlawed the 100 kyat note and replaced it with the bizarre 90 kyat note. The number ninety is considered lucky in Burma, and Ne Win hoped that the new 90 kyat notes would earn him many blessings and the respect of his countrymen.

China, with its heavy-handed policies in Tibet, has not exactly been a great friend to Buddhism. In a strange twist, the fate of the tens of thousands of monks who have defied the junta by leading mass protests rests squarely upon China, Burma’s largest trading partner and traditional ally. The regime cannot possibly maintain its tenuous grip on power without the continued aid and support of its neighbor, China.

Chinese diplomats recently advised Burma’s generals to seek a peaceful outcome through moderate democratic reforms. Yesterday, however, as Burma’s military opened fire into a crowd of thousands of monks, China and Russia blocked discussion of diplomatic sanctions or a statement of condemnation from the United Nations Security Council.

Riot police in Yangon.


Burmese soldiers release smoke cannisters.

BERT'S BAFFLEGAB

The following words are underused in conversation and underrepresented in dictionaries:


Lamprophony - Loudness and clarity of voice.

Tyrotoxism - Poisoning by cheese or other dairy product. Putin and his associates might want to study this technique.

Zabernism - An obsolete term signifying "the abuse of military power or authority; unjustified aggression." The word originated from Zabern, the German name for Saverne in Alsace, where a German subaltern killed a cobbler for smiling at him in 1912.

Erinaceous - Of the hedgehog family; typical of a hedgehog.

Honeyfuggle - To deceive by sweet-talk or flattery; to swindle or cheat.

Mungo - One who extracts valuable items from garbage bins.

Rastaquouere - A social climber, a go-getter.

Crepuscular - Of or pertaining to twilight.

Mesonoxian - Of or pertaining to midnight.

Selcouth - Rare, fantastic, unfamiliar, weird, wonderful, marvelous.

Zenzizenzizenzic - The eighth power of a number. The word has been obsolete since the mid 16th century. From the Italian "censo di censo."

Bafflegab - Incomprehensible or pretentious verbiage.

JAPANESE YOUTH LOVE THEIR MAYONNAISE

While older Japanese tend to frown upon the Western condiment, Japanese youth have adopted mayonnaise as a dietary staple and cultural icon, leading to the opening of bars and restaurants devoted to mayonnaise.

Koji Nakamura’s Mayonnaise Kitchen restaurant in suburban Tokyo is a case in point. The Mayonnaise Kitchen serves a bizarre panoply of mayonnaise-drenched concoctions, from spaghetti to fondue.

The restaurant also pours (squirts?) mayonnaise-themed cocktails including the obligatory Mayotini and Mayogarita. Nakamura calls another cocktail the "Mayoty Dog." An homage to the Salty Dog, the Mayoty Dog is served in a glass with mayo instead of salt on the rim. The drinks are white and creamy.

Regulars at the Mayonnaise Kitchen purchase their own bottles of mayonnaise, in keeping with the custom of high-end bars that reserve special bottles of whiskey for top customers.

Young Japanese often add mayonnaise to sushi, tempura, noodles and other dishes. Akira Omori, 32, likes to snack on dried squid covered in mayonnaise.

Last year, the Japanese consumed 3.6 pounds of mayonnaise per person.

Japanese mayonnaise is creamier and tangier than Western-style mayonnaise. Japanese mayonnaise was first synthesized in 1925 and has since become a staple in most Japanese homes.

Japanese mayo lovers, known as "mayolers," suffered a shock when leading manufacturer Q.P. Corporation raised prices on mayonnaise in June for the first time in 17 years, due to the rising cost of vegetable oil.


Kewpie cell phone strap, 1,280 yen.

Kewpie dominates the Japanese mayo market.


Mayogarita.


Mayotini.


Mashed potatoes baked with mayonnaise.


Okonomiyaki.


Special bottles of mayo reserved for VIP customers.

ECCENTRIC ATTORNEY REPRESENTS VICTIMS OF SPACE ALIENS

Dresden lawyer Jens Lorek is a specialist in employment and social law. Bored with his work, Lorek recently decided to focus on representing the victims of alien encounters, promoting himself in the tabloid Bild as "Germany’s first lawyer for alien victims."

Lorek, an amateur astronomer, has been inundated with new clients claiming harassment at the hands of strange beings. According to a recent poll, nearly 40% of Germans believe that extra-terrestrial beings have visited Earth.

One of Lorek’s clients, identified only as "Ms. J.," complains that she has been "plagued" by a green light. Ms. J. claims that her attacker jabbed her in the shoulder. Worse, there was "a smell of coconuts and there were little white dots on my back."

Lorek, dressed in black and wearing a cowboy hat, was unable to find grounds for a lawsuit on Ms. J’s behalf. "Highly psychotic woman...urgently needs medical attention...nothing I can do," Lorek scribbled on his legal pad.

Lorek has arrived at the same conclusion in all of the alien cases he has reviewed to date.

The maverick lawyer believes that false memories of alien encounters may be attributed to real-life trauma perpetrated by earthlings. If he can establish a connection between harassment by "aliens" and victimization by humans, Lorek will be able to sue for compensation from the state under Germany’s victim compensation law.

Bremen sociologist Michael Schetsche notes that many reports of encounters with aliens are shockingly similar. The victims generally complain that they were subjected to "painful examinations and experiments," says Schetsche. "Blood or tissue samples are taken, thin probes are shoved in various bodily orifices or through the skin, and sometimes implants are inserted."

Schetsche speculates that memories of alien encounters fall under the category of "false memory syndrome," in which memories are distorted through hypnosis and questionable medical treatments.

The stories told by Lorek’s clientele seem to reinforce Schetsche’s hypothesis. One client, "Ms. P.," claims that she was visited by an alien on Christmas Eve, 1949. Ms. P. recalls a devilish entity appearing before her eyes. She says a black object with "huge, glowing eyes" came flying at her. She ran inside her home and has spent the past sixty years in a frightened state.

Lorek discovered that the planets Jupiter and Venus were very close together in the night sky on December 24, 1949. Lorek believes that his client mistook the planets for a pair of glowing eyes. Possibly a bird of prey flew at her at the precise moment that she saw the "eyes."

Sadly, Ms. P.’s case did not meet the evidentiary threshold for compensation from the state.

RUSSIAN POLITICIAN SLAMS BRITAIN

Russian buffoon and parliamentary leader Vladimir Volfovich Zhirinovsky flew into a rage during a press conference today, blustering that Britain is a nation of "bandits and criminals."

Zhirinovsky, leader of Russia’s inaptly named Liberal Democratic Party, stood next to wanted criminal Andrei Lugovoy, also a member of the LDP, throughout the press conference. Police in Britain consider Lugovoy, an ex-KGB agent, the prime suspect in the poisoning of former spy Alexander Litvinenko. British officials have been rebuffed in their efforts to extradite Lugovoy, who enjoys the full support of the Kremlin.

Zhirinovsky, a deputy speaker of the lower house of Russia’s Duma parliament, became enraged when a journalist asked him about Lugovoy’s legal troubles.

"Britain will disappear under the water one day," barked Zhirinovsky, his jowly face red with anger. "And it will serve you right...Even your sheep die every day and every hour due to your sickening British policies."

After criticizing British dentistry, Zhirinovsky moved on to the topic of foreign policy. "Britain, you keep the whole world soaked in blood. The whole world will hate you!" he shouted.

Zhirinovsky even had harsh language for the Queen: "You are all accomplices, all of you are similar bandits and criminals, your whole government, together with your Queen." The irony of making these remarks while standing next to a murder suspect eluded Zhirinovsky.

Among many other grievances, Zhirinovsky holds Britain accountable for supporting the Bolsheviks during the Russian Revolution of 1917, not fighting hard enough in World War II and promoting Chechen independence.

"Half of your embassy should be thrown out of Moscow. They are not diplomats; all of them are spies," said Zhirinovsky.

Zhirinovsky’s party holds 30 seats in the 450-seat Duma. This statistic does not prevent Zhirinovsky from making the bold prediction that the LDP will win one fifth of all seats in December parliamentary elections.

The LDP had previously announced Lugovoy’s Duma candidacy. At the press conference, Lugovoy denied earlier reports of his presidential aspirations, adding that "Vladimir Volfovich has all the qualities for the job."

With his limited social skills and churlish rhetoric, Zhirinovsky seems better suited to filling the role of "town drunk" or "social nuisance" than that of "president." There is a loudmouth drunk like Zhirinovsky in virtually every bar.


Zhirinovsky (R) and Lugovoy (L) at press conference.


Zhirinovsky has his own line of vodkas.


Naked in the Russian winter.


Swimming in an ice hole in a frozen lake.


Zhirinovsky dons Batman costume for some reason.


Zhirinovsky proves his virility by publicly fondling topless girls.


Even the paparazzi refuse his rubles.

BOGUS CHURCH BLOODIED BUT UNBOWED

I am an ordained minister. I practice my ministry under the auspices of the Universal Life Church (ULC). I was ordained eight years ago in an elaborate, coronation-style ceremony. I even have a "congregation," known as the Assembly of Truth, and am empowered by the state of California to officiate weddings.

Founded by an illiterate Christian in 1959, the ULC has ordained more ministers than any other church in history. It’s motto the notion that all people should be accepted regardless of their faith, the ULC has ordained over 20 million ministers since 1959. The church’s primary tenet ("We are all children of the same universe") is rather uncontroversial.

The ULC is funded by donations and offers free ordination. The church offers a slew of premium religious titles including (in alphabetic order) Angel, Archbishop, Deacon, Dervish, Dr of Divinity, Dr. of Metaphysics, Goddess, Jedi Knight, Most Reverend, Pastor General, Prince, Prophet, Rabbi, Rector, Revelator, Reverend Mother, Right Reverend, Shaman, Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality, Vicar and Visionary.

Last week, a York County judge ruled that a couple’s marriage, performed by a ULC minister, was not valid under Pennsylvania law.

The couple, who broke up after seven months of marriage, had wondered whether their wedding, officiated by bogus minister Adam Johnston of the ULC, was even legal under state law.

Judge Maria Musti Cook ruled that Reverend Johnston had not been a member of the ULC prior to his ordination and did not have a congregation. Under Pennsylvania law, judges, mayors and the ministers, priests or rabbis of a "regularly established church or congregation" have the power to officiate weddings. Accordingly, Judge Cook decided that the wedding of Dorie Heyer and Jacob Hollerbrush was not legally valid.

Reverend Johnston himself testified that he did not meet regularly with his congregation and did not have a place of worship.

Ms. Heyer said of her own wedding: "It makes a mockery out of the whole marriage system."

G. Martin Freedman, president of the ULC Monastery, plans to challenge Cook’s ruling. Freedman commented that the choice to accept ministers of some churches but not others was arbitrary and unconstitutional. The First Amendment of the constitution mandates a separation of church and state.

The ULC is no stranger to the legal process, having fought for its right to exist for the past 48 years. The church maintains on its web site an up-to-the-minute index of its legal status in each of the 50 states.

As an unlicensed attorney, I believe the bogus church is on solid legal ground in its appeal. Judge Cook’s verdict raises very serious constitutional questions concerning church and state. Should state governments, be allowed to decide to accept some religions and reject others? What is to prevent the wholesome state of Utah from expelling all non-Mormons--or decreeing that only bigamy is valid?

(Catholics are drunks.)

JUICE

Actual quotation from O.J. Simpson:

"What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas."

ONCE MORE IN ENGLISH

Supporters of the English language stepped up their campaign against obvious signs and labels yesterday, including a Hertfordshire Police sign urging citizens "Don’t Commit Crime."

The Plain English Campaign (PEC) was founded in London in 1979 with the public shredding of hundreds of official documents in Parliament Square. The movement, which advocates the effective use of English, now has over 11,000 members.

A spokesperson for the PEC complained yesterday about signs and labels that "assume a lack of intelligence on the part of the reader."

"It’s a phenomenon we noticed in recent years–a kind of talking in a vacuum. There are so many examples," said the spokesperson, noting packages of nuts labelled "Warning: contains nuts."

Other flagrant examples of ineffective English include signs at the end of rail station platforms stating "Warning: platform ends here" and boxes of sleeping pills with the warning "May cause drowsiness." A Dutch bicycle manual cautions, "Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle." Tesco supermarkets alert shoppers that cream contains milk and that salted butter contains salt.

Tesco defends its policy of giving customers "all the information they need." The Hertfordshire Police defend their asinine "Do Not Commit Crime" sign as a powerful crime-fighting tool.

"If stating the obvious helps to reduce crime or has any impact at all, we’ll do it," said a police spokesperson.

A member of the PEC begs to differ. "Our advice would be say what you need to plainly and simply and then stop. If nothing needs to be said, say nothing."

PUTIN NOMINATES PUTIN FOR PUTIN

Russian President Vladimir Putin has kept the experts baffled as to what his next move will be, accepting the resignation of his prime minister on Wednesday and immediately nominating the unknown Viktor A Zubkov to fill the post.

Mr. Zubkov has wowed Mr. Putin and few others as the head of a financial crimes agency.

The outgoing prime minister, Mikhail Fradkov, resigned on national television, reading from a script extolling Mr. Putin’s ability to build "a power structure in light of the upcoming political events."

Some political analysts believe that Mr. Putin installed Mr. Zubkov because he has demonstrated his loyalty and will follow orders in the upcoming presidential election. Mr. Putin has repeatedly indicated that he will honor Russia’s constitution and step down when his second term expires next year.

The Russian constitution, however, does not forbid Mr. Putin from seeking a third, non-consecutive term. Some have speculated that Mr. Putin will name a puppet as his successor who will develop a mysterious illness and promptly resign, enabling Mr. Putin to resume his presidency via a special election. In a different scenario, pro-Kremlin lawmakers in the Russian Duma could amend the constitution to permit Mr. Putin to remain in office.

One thing is clear: Mr. Putin has the power to choose the next president of Russia. While elections are held by popular vote, the ballots are meticulously managed by the Kremlin. Russian elections are won by candidates who enjoy the support of the government and the state-controlled news media.

Mr. Putin’s approval ratings hover above 70%. Of course, there is no independent polling in Russia. The polls which cast Mr. Putin in such a favorable light are directly commissioned by the Kremlin.

Analysts were surprised Wednesday that Mr. Putin did not promote presidential contender and deputy prime minister Sergei B. Iavonov to prime minister. Mr. Iavonov had appeared to gain the upper hand over his main rival, deputy prime minister Dmitry A. Medvedev in recent months. By installing a low-profile prime minister, Mr. Putin has increased the suspense: who will be his successor? Will he even have a successor?

My rubles are still on Mr. Iavonov.

Interesting, unverified facts:
When the name "Putin" is written in Japanese, it is the Japanese word for "pudding." In French, "Putin" means "prostitute."


Fradkov sleeps with the fishes.


Translation: I see, you’re not working!


Putin names a surprise successor.


Russia is cold.


Putin is warm.


KGB-style.


No, let me drive!